insecurities and excitement.

i move to paris in four weeks exactly.

i just paid my temporary housing deposit, through a french paypal account. [thanks to my sister and her husband's generosity!! love you both!] i was excited to see that i quickly understood the legal terms and the logistics of it all, which were entirely in french. most of it i didnt even need to translate in my head, i just instantly knew what each word meant.

earlier today, in french class, i participated in a heated debate on whether global warming exists or not. i was able to use scientific and political terms to convey my point and opinion. i couldnt believe it, i understood others and was understood by them. even further, on my last test, i received a top mark. i am very glad i took this french class, it has really helped make me feel much closer to fluent.

that being said, i am absolutely terrified to go to paris. i am afraid that my french will not be strong enough, my accent will be horribly american, and my grammar so poor that i spend the entire time miserable, lonely, and afraid to speak. my only consolation is that i will be put through a month long intensive orientation to the city and the language; the entire month of january will be spent in preparation for february.

but, when february rolls along, i will be kicked out of the temporary housing and forced to find my own place to live. i have no idea where to begin with that. what if i choose the wrong neighborhood? what if i negotiate the wrong lease, because my french isnt strong enough? what if i cant afford the six months rent that will be required of me? what if i cant even find one single place?

then, classes will start. my classes will be entirely in french. every single one. i can only understand french if im looking at the speaker. what if it is a big lecture hall, and i cant see the professor? how do i take notes, but still understand everything? how do i write a 2000 word essay, entirely in french?

then, i will have to make friends. not only will i have to force myself to speak, to introduce myself, to be bubbly and friendly and open, like i did upon arrival in london, but i will have to be doing this in a foreign language, completely out of my comfort zone. i am so afraid that i wont push myself, and i will just be silent and shy the entire time i am there.

finally, i am afraid i wont travel. i barely traveled here, and i had an opportunity to every weekend, through all the americans in my housing. i dont regret it, i loved my weekends spent here, all the people i met, the culture i experienced and all the english friends i made. but i shouldnt do that in france. ill be on the continent, with a visa valid for all of western europe, open access to so many other countries! who knows when i will be back in europe, this single, young, untethered and care-free? i need to see every single place i can. granted, i will be living in paris for seven months and will have enough time to travel and still experience france fully, but what if i dont meet anyone to travel with? my programme in france is completely different than my programme here in england. they warn you that you wont meet many other americans...

also, i will be in france for seven months. i will most likely return home in mid-august. upon arrival, ill spend, at the most a week, in phoenix, before packing up my dog and a few possessions to move back up to flagstaff. then who knows when ill be able to get down to phoenix for a visit, since i dont drive and will have a dog relying upon me. that is quite a long time to be away!

this post is full of what-ifs, and i must meet them head on. i am very good at adapting to my surroundings, and starting over is what i do best. beyond that, it is paris! this is the chapter i have spent almost a decade preparing for. i have purposefully taken french since i was fourteen, knowing i would want to go to france. london didnt take much thought, i had family here and i always knew i would live here one day. it was france that took preparation and planning. i took eight years of the language, maintaining a 3.0 gpa at my uni so i could qualify for the programme.

all this being said, as worried as i am, i am unbelievably excited to go to france. i still havent been there yet, it will be a complete, and very welcome surprise.

sometimes i wish i could stay in london longer, but, for the most part i am ready to move on. paris is beckoning!