first day of university classes.

i was supposed to begin school last week. but i was petrified. which is a very new feeling for me. those of you who have been following this blog know how i approach new places and new situations: with complete excitement and desire.

however, the new experience that was my first day of french university absolutely terrified me. usually, it is laziness that stops me, procrastination that keeps me from accomplishing what i need to do. but last week it was fear in its purest form. i was afraid of finding the room, of wandering the dreary campus of nanterre in search for a poorly marked room. i was afraid of walking into the classroom, afraid of having to ask if i were in the right place, and afraid of the foreign eyes on me. but, above all, i was afraid of speaking, i was afraid of failing. so i allowed myself a few rare moments of indulgence and didnt go to class. the first day,  i consciously decided to sleep through it, which wasnt actually sleeping, it was hiding under my covers and squeezing my eyes shut until they watered, pretending i was alseep. the next day, i got out of bed, rode the hour train ride to my uni, walked all the way across campus and couldnt even find the building my class was in. i gave up quickly, and returned home with my tail between my legs. the final school day of the week, i "slept through" [hid from] my first course but managed to successfully attend my last class. except that was the one for micefa students and it didnt scare me at all. it barely counts as a course.

so this week, i was determined, would be different. yesterday, i woke myself up, convinced myself to go, and actually found the classroom. only to find it it empty with no note or any explanation. i wandered around for another ten minutes, conceded defeat, and went home. so today, i pumped myself up listening to my roommate's hip-hop and arrived at my classroom half an hour early. i even mustered up the courage to ask if i was in the right place, although i couldnt manage much more than that.

however, my fears were unfounded. yes, i couldnt understand a word anybody said, specifically the students. yes, i have absolutely no idea what is required for the course. yes, i am the only english-speaking person in the class. but everyone was nice to me, everyone repeated what they said whenever i asked, people even offered me suggestions and pretended not to notice when i stared blankly but said i understood. 

that is not to say class is anything like i was expecting. the professor spoke so quickly, and often not while looking up, so i cant even lip-read. the majority of the class is discussion and presentations, and i understand the students even less, with their rapid speech and tendency to mumble. but  i am hoping if i brush up on the subject matter, and pre-read all the necessary articles, i will do well.

i am not so worried anymore. i have told romain that we will only be speaking french from now on. i understand french when i am not nervous. that changes the second i get apprehensive; the amount of my comprehension plummets drastically. hopefully practicing with him, and his friends, will get my comfort level up to the point where i can actually participate in a lecture discussion.

but, even if i fail, i will definitely know french by the end of this year. and that is the whole purpose behind being here!