hard truths.

life in paris is going incredibly well. it's hard to believe i only have seven weeks left here, then it's on to another chapter in my life. we're still in the basic process of planning, so im going to keep it under wraps until decisions have been made. but here's a little hint of what might possibly be in my future: 

well, ive been inspired by a recent blogging trend. blogs are edited, secrets i am reluctant to share are omitted, and things i am ashamed of in real life are hidden and kept quiet.

i am not ashamed of that. my blog isnt fake, nor is it overly happy. there are just a few things im not ready to share with the entire world. since this post is about honesty, there are even a couple of things i'd share with the world, but not with the family who reads this blog. something about anonymity makes it easier to confess that which plagues you. a bunch of strangers worried about me is nothing like my family worrying.

but in the spirit of honesty, im going to open up a little part of me i had kept closed.

my mother has/had cancer. im not really sure what the technical terms mean, 'remission' and 'markers'. im too far away, not in constant contact, for my parents to explain properly. [this is the only picture of her i have on my computer. she doesnt pose for pictures, she didnt know i was taking this. its blurry and the background is horrible, but i like how its soft, just like her.]

we realized something was wrong the wednesday before i left for england. my mother and i had a dual doctors appointment [my mother and i are really close. i havent been to the doctor once without her. emergenices excepted.] we finished up the half of my appointment, and the doctor then asked my mother to strip so of course i hightailed it out of there. after a few minutes, the waiting room became too tedious and i went back inside. the doctor, assuming i knew everything, didnt mince her words as they were discussing the symptoms. i had never seen my mother so shaken, so quiet. i knew something was up, but other tests were ordered so i wasnt too apprehensive.

i had a week before i left for england. my mother had promised to sew some skirts up for me, and i selfishly pushed her, even though it hurt her stomach. for you to understand why i do that, you must understand that because of my gastroparesis, i live with literally constant stomach pain. not a single day goes by where my stomach doesnt hurt. ive gotten to the point where i can ignore it, control my nausea, and maintain a healthy weight. its horrible, but i am thus not compassionate to stomach pain. i really try to be, but i just dont understand how for ordinary people, the stomachache is completely debilitating. if i were to give into that urge, i would accomplish nothing. even typing this, my stomach is killing me. if i caved, i would throw up and lay in bed all day, wasting this beautiful day in paris.

anyway, the day before i left, we were panicking. the minutes were numbered, even seconds counted. my mother took a couple of hours to lay down, her stomach hurt so badly. i simply couldnt understand this. although i was smart enough to recognize that things were getting worse.

the next day, i left bright and early to go to the airport. after a few hours of chitchat, i was ready to go through security and board the plane. the second i stepped up to give my mother a hug, she started bawling. the most tears i have ever seen from her, came out on that morning. it was then that i realized something was terribly terribly wrong. these werent the normal 'oh, i wont see you for a year' tears. these were tears of 'i dont want to die while youre in another country'. i managed to tear myself away, and walk through security. my mother followed me on the sidelines, still crying. security tried to remove her, but upon seeing her tears and me standing in the security line, they actually let her stay until i was out of sight.

her deterioration was something i didnt understand as i wasnt able/allowed to see. it was shown to me in small selfish markers: skype calls and emails were only answered by my dad, text messages went ignored, my credit bill responsibilities, after her missing a couple of payments, were passed to me, and most painfully, advice was sought but not given. i had always been used to asking my mom advice, she has a way of saying what i dont want to hear in a way that makes me want to hear it.

then, in december, my family finally allowed me to see all of what had happened to my mom. she was hospitalized, and i left london a week early and returned home. i missed my exams, and my grades have suffered, but i dont regret it.  she was let out of the hospital the night i returned. the skeleton that laid on the sofa was a terrifying sight. my mother has always been overweight. always. i cant remember a time when she didnt wrap me up in tight, enveloping, and comforting bear hugs. except this time. she looked like she had lost hundreds of pounds and her hair was falling out. it was terrifying. i laid with her in her bed, where i would for the rest of the month. it was in that first night, drugged out of her mind from the hospital, that my mother asked me not to go to france. now, that is a selfish statement. if i stayed it would have been only for her. my mother doesnt make selfish statements. ever. she is the most giving, mst self-compromising, most suffering -in-silence woman i have ever met. she has never once asked me for anything, even though sometimes my choices hurt her. until then.

i think telling her i had to leave was the hardest thing ive ever done. explaining to your possibly-dying mother how you are going to leave her alone for seven months is a nearly impossible task. especially because i didnt want to go, i wanted to stay and feed her food until she fattened up again. i spent the rest of the month shoving food at her and refusing to leave her alone for even a few minutes. my mother was too out of it to remember that request, and said nothing when i left for the airport. she was too sick to come with us. which, horrible as it is, made it easier to leave. i could have never boarded that plane if my weepy mother stood at security again.

[this is my father. he is sleeping with his first grandchild.] my whole life, i have been closer to my mother. that is not to say i dont love my father. i adore both of my parents, they have given me so much more than they were able to. as parent roles go my mother is the one i confide in, my father is the one who i want to be like. but, in the past year, i have had to rely much more heavily on my father. our entire family has. my mother was the breadwinner, my dad was the artist. unfortunately, an artist salary does not support a daughter in another country and a wife on chemo. so my dad has stepped up in ways i never thought possible, ways im not so sure i could have. when i get back, i am going to step up too. i have put my parents in a horrible situation which i will endeavor to fix whenever i return home, be it in july or january.

i am lucky, we are lucky. my mom is doing loads better; in remission, markers are down, returned to work, etc. there was even a celebration dinner and she's taken to sewing again.

well, i think thats all the truth one post can handle. im sure many of you have been touched by something similar, cancer is something that unfortunately affects us all.

winter wonderland and bittersweet goodbyes: week twelve, the final week.

at the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. you will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent. [barbara bush.]

the last week. 
[i lost a week, to be explained later.]

daily updates:

i warn you, this was a very boring week. next week will be as well. yes, they are my last two weeks in london. but all of my coursework for the entire year is due on the 18th. as my horrible tendency to procrastinate did not dissipate this term, i have three months of work to do in two weeks.

8 december. homework.

9 december. homework. went to get different yarn and dinner with max and kat.

10 december. knitting. homework. i went to one last dinner with kim and max. we went to get pizza in soho. the pizza was really good, i'd been there before. its probably the last time ill see kim though. after dinner, i went to max's room for a bit. i had a very nerdy discussion about video games with his roommate. he made me a balloon apple. like i said, a very nerdy discussion.

11 december. homework during the day, afterward i had my last night out in london!

megan and i went to winter wonderland in hyde park. we were hoping to ice skate, but they were all sold out. we still had a great time! we went on a big giant ferris wheel, and some rides. the queues were non existant, so the rides lasted three times longer than they normally would have! it was great! i had only ever been to state fairs before, never had i been to a christmas fair. there were lights everywhere, and it reminded me of zoolights, only with roller coasters so better. i did feel a twinge of homesickness, after realizing i wouldnt be going to zoolights this year. zoolights has been a tradition for the past few years, and it feels weird to miss it. that also made me realize i wont be home for christmas, and more than anything, i would like to be home right now. christmas does feel different over here. there are very strong german influences, and no snow. all the food at the fair was german food. all the rides had german names, and descriptions in german. the music played was in german as well. even the christmas trees were decorated in the german style. megan couldnt explain it, she simply said, 'its christmas, thats how christmas is.' there were also booths selling fake snow! you mixed a powder with regular tap water, and it formed congealed flakes that stayed cold and clumped together, 'just like snow!!' needless to say, it felt nothing like snow. after living in flagstaff, snow has become a part of christmas and it is weird to think i wont see any this season. but i am certainly getting enough rain, which is a rarity in arizona!

after the fair, we decided to go get food. since it was my last night out, megan insisted i pick. i couldnt, so we went to a tube map, closed my eyes and selected a random stop. that stop luckily turned out to be covent garden! we went to a tiny restaurant there with amazing italian food. it was expensive, but worth it.

once we had finished stuffing our faces, we went to the york to try mulled cider. they didnt have any, so we got mulled wine instead. then we went to the hobgoblin and stayed there for the rest of the night. it was a good last night out, it was good to go to the hobgoblin for the last time. i will admit i felt a bit sad, the conditions of  leaving london, missing home, and being marooned inside with homework all day are starting to wear on me.

12 december. homework. i also began to write a story. i havent truly written anything since the summer of 2007. it was a big step. at first, when the urge to write hit me, i didnt recognize it for what it was. it was a foreign feeling, that nonetheless felt oddly familiar, like a distant memory. it wasnt until i started forming sentences and characters in my head that i realized what i was feeling. so i created a private blog, and began to write some chapters.

then i got sick. i had a fever and felt ridiculously nauseous. my roommate invited me to go out, but i declined and stayed in bed. i fell asleep around nine, after attempting to watch the nightmare before christmas. i have never seen the entirety of that movie, but people rave about it. 

13 december. homeworkkkkk. ugh. kat's birthday dinner. her parents flew in to celebrate her 21st. they took max, lindsey, and myself out for thai food. it made me miss home, although her family is nothing like mine is.

14 december. homework during the day. at night, i went out with my study abroad programme for the last time. they paid for dinner, and we went to pizza express. after dinner, we took a trip on the london eye. it was a great end to a great trip. upon arrival at home, i started skypeing with my sister. it turns out i need to go home, and have bought a plane ticket. that is how i lost my last week in london. i was supposed to leave the 20th, but am now leaving the 15th.

15 december. my last day in london. i spent it uneventfully: in class, and hurriedly packing. i had to throw away so much, but i am already worried about transporting my large suitcases by myself. i went to a goodbye dinner with max and lindsay, kat was with her parents. we got the best indian food i have gotten here in the entire time. megan stopped by after work to say goodbye. everyone else i just texted or will facebook later.

i will go to a more in-depth summary/conclusion of my trip later. i am just too exhausted right now. [sorry if this post is incoherent.] i think this picture of my desk and bulletin board sums it up rather nicely.

weekly highlights:

dates: 8-15 december [days 80-87]
sights seen: nonnnnnnne...

someone new: kat's parents!! that was weird!
something new: winter wonderland! lamb.
somewhere new: nope.
new venue: yes! bella italia!

what i love: london.
what i miss: arizona.
what i am not so sure of: nothing. but i do hate homework.

this is my last blog post in england! i cannot believe my three months here have gone that quickly. it feels like only yesterday that i stepped off the plane. the time has flown by, and i feel like a different person. my time here has changed me, and i believe i have left a little part of myself on the streets of london, replaced by the piece of london i am taking home with me.

this will be my last weekly update until paris. i am having to return home to phoenix for the holiday season. i need to be with my family right now, it is the best thing to do. i fly out of london tomorrow, i bought the ticket yesterday. i thought i had another week here before going to guildford, then more time to do things while in england, and although that makes leaving harder, i need to be home. especially since i will be in paris for so long. 

i just realized, i really am leaving. i will never again live in my little nido "cube".  i will miss the little personal pizzas, the bacon, the crisps, the chips, the pubs, the indian food, the accents, the slang, the humour, the bbc iplayer, the fashion, and, of course the beautiful boys. there is so much i will miss, so much that i have grown accustomed to having and taken for granted. but every chapter must end, and at least im leaving wanting more!

i wont be posting over the holidays, i am taking a break, and will just enjoy being with my family at this difficult time.

happy holidays, happy christmas, and a happy new year! i will be back the seventh of january, this time, in paris!

ireland and ravelry meetups: week eleven.

the traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see. [g.k. chesterton]

three weeks left...

daily updates:

1 december. well, it is december. my building has been decorated with wreaths, flashing lights, and a giant fake tree. the streets are adorned with candy cane lights, giant twinkling stars, and sparkling nets for the trees. the winter is upon us: the sun sets at four o'clock, and you cannot step outside without two pairs of mittens and two sets of tights. outdoor ice skating rinks have sprung up over night. advent calendars have been put up, and the air just crackles with the need for hot chocolate or mulled wine.

the holiday season is so depressing, but i cannot help being charmed...

during the day, i went to class and did homework. max, linsday and i went to get froyo. then, we just hung out in max's room. for weeks i have been talking about reactivating my facebook, i even put it on my 101 in 1001 list. i had some qualms about getting it back, but that night, max made me. so, then we spent hours looking through all my old pictures and comments and messages. it reminds me how far i've come, and how much i do enjoy this new me i have created. in the span of three years, i have changed so much, i didnt even recognize myself when i stumbled upon the earliest pictures. [neither did max or kat.] the changes arent only physical, but also in my personality and morals. but here is how much i have changed, just to illustrate my point!

of course, there are some similarities. but i have grown up so much, and it was really nice to see it. i am no longer the flighty, superficial sorority girl with blonde hair and fake blue eyes. now i'm a lot calmer, a lot nicer and i just have fake black hair and real black eyes hahaha. however, im not so sure i want to keep my facebook. ill give it a few more weeks, but im a bit iffy.

2 december. i spent the day trying to shop for boots and going back to the h. that night, i did some last minute packing and went to get indian food with max. we didnt get back until late, and i just fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

3 december. even though i was reluctant, i went to french class. after class, i met up with megan and we hopped on the tube and headed to heathrow for... my trip to ireland!! the weekend had finally arrived! we were on the tube for forty minutes, then arrived at heathrow two hours early. security was a breeze. they let me on with my liquids, even though they were supposedly too big. we then wandered around trying to find food. we could only afford pret, so i got a meatball wrap. i have started eating meat over here. ive been craving it, i think because i am so malnourished. it wasnt until we got inside the terminal when we happened upon a weatherspoon! we surpressed our disappointment, and boarded the plane. i slept the whole way, which was less than an hour. then we landed!! we figured out the buses, and took them to our hostel. after checking in, we went to a pub that was right by the hostel. we stayed there for a bit, but they were dead, so we went to another one. that one had live music and trendy boys! my two favorite things!

4 december. we woke up late, but still in time for the free breakfast of jam and toast. i tried blackcurrant jelly for the first time, and i absolutely loved it. i'd had blackcurrant in my cider before, and in my vodka, but i had never seen it as a food. after breakfast, we booked our tickets for a hop-on, hop-off tour. i had never done one of those before, in my quest to never be branded a tourist. all my life, my dad has taught me to be a traveller or a visitor, never a tourist. but megan really wanted to, so i bit the bullet. i actually had a great time, we saw and learned so many things we would never have without the bus. we rode it all around dublin, and went to the guiness factory. i liked guiness more than i thought i would, but not enough to finish my whole sample. i went to 'gravity', their rooftop bar. but instead of my free pint, i got a free lemonade. no point in wasting a whole pint.

after we had toured all of dublin, we decided to go on a musical pub crawl. there were two main musicians, and we followed them around to multiple irish pubs around dublin. they talked about their music, told us the history of irish music, and played for us at each place. there were even some songs in gaelic. it was very interesting! after that ended, we went back to the pub by our hostel for some more irish music.

5 december. in the morning, we took a trip down to the coast. i absolutely love the beach, but as it was december, i didnt brave touching the water. there wasnt a single boat or person out on the water. it was still gorgeous, and we got to see the smaller side of ireland. we took a hike down the beach, had a picnic, and then turned back when it go too muddy.

after the coast, we met up with aleks, aka kulka. it was so nice to finally meet her, after over a year of talking on ravelry. she lives right outside dublin, so she came into town to show us around. we went to some great trendy places, which were off the beaten path and made me feel like a local. after spending the first couple hours trading kniting stories, bragging, and drilling each other for information, we decided to go party! first, we went to a very modern looking bar, where we had some very chilled conversation. then we went to an irsih pub. it was so crowded! there were also musicians sitting in a circle playing music to each other. it was interesting to see, but i had gotten enough of that the night before. so then aleks took us to local pub, with an outdoor courtyard full of boys. it was quite a sight to see, there must have been dozens. there was even a converted double decker bus, where you could go and drink in. we had a drink called 'tonic wine'. i cant remember its irish name, that is where the night starts getting fuzzy! eventually, we left that bar and went to one last pub. we met up with all of her friends, and i had an amazing time! i feel like i was able to see both sides of dublin, not just the tourist facade.

the ocean air, mized with the constant drizzle of ireland, does funny things to my hair. i look a mess in these pictures, but it was so much fun!

aleks, if youre reading this, thanks for a great night!

6 december. we didnt do much in the day since we had some trouble finding the bus to the airport. finally we found it, and they wouldnt let us on because megans suitcase was too big. supposedly the luggage racks were full. so we ended up having to take a taxi, which was expensive! but we barely made our flight, we had five minutes to spare. we had some trouble at security since, apparently, irish security is much more strict than english security. but it was all sorted, and we ended up on the plane okay. the plane ride home took two hours, instead of one. but i slept the whole time. when we got back, i unpacked and fell asleep straight away. i really do need to start eating better, i can tell i am malnourished here. unfortunately, my gp is acting up. as soon as i get to guidlford, i'll have to go on a liquid diet for a bit. fortunately, thats not too far away! :(

7 december. spent all day in bed, catching up on the sleep i missed all weekend. then in an effort to eat better, went to get burgers and froyo with max, kat and lindsey. my essays are due soon, im trying to get them all done this week, so i can enjoy my last week in london with no worries or stress. hopefully i wont procrastinate too much!


weekly highlights:

dates: 1-7 december [days 73-79]
sights seen: the republic of ireland!

something new: tonic wine! if thats not enough, i went on my first ever tour.
someone new: countless :) notably, alexs!
somewhere new: dublin and the coast of ireland!
new venue: countless!

what i miss: i desperately miss the dollar. the tube, while i was in ireland. my mother, father, and sister.
what i love: toast and blackcurrant jam. days spent at the coast. traveling with friends. coming home [to london]. my five euro fake uggs.
what im not so sure about: my upcoming move to paris...


in knitting news, i was featured on knitted bliss' modification mondays. i'm quite proud!!