leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.
-marty mcconnel
i apologize for my absence. blogging has been pushed to the back burner. my weeks are beautiful, busy, but uninteresting: weekly posts seem redundant as i have settled into an immensely enjoyable routine that is fun to live but not so fun to read. my life is surrounded by beauty, i am shocked by how much beauty i see every day. my french is not progressing, while my english is regressing. i am having trouble remembering whether i am thinking in french or in english, i switch back and forth between french and english without realizing it. short phrases are now second nature, whereas long phrases are impossible to form correctly.i am enjoying my life completely, looking forward to the promises of spring and a few upcoming trips and visits. i am still trying to find my yellow bird, although the 101 in 1001 is seeming less and less important as the days go on. my father has lost his job, my mother has stopped her chemo, my sister is raising a child about to start crawling and walking, life in america goes on as it always has but i feel more and more distant and disconnected with each passing day. now i have an added necessity, beyond the need to find something to live for: to come to terms with new feelings and emotions that have arisen in the past six months. it has been six months since i left america, boarded that plane, and took my first steps onto non-american soil. there are times when i barely recognize myself, it is almost impossible to equate the anna i was with the anna i have become. even my name has changed, taken on a new pronunciation. the french have no idea where to put the emphasis on my name. what was ANna in the states, is anNA in france.
the problem with being in a different country, immersed in another culture, is how easy it is to generalize, compare, and despise. i noticed this trend in london. of the large group of americans living in nido, a few of them compared england to everything they had back in america and found england completely lacking. they would allow chance encounters and personal fear to taint their view of an entire country and culture they knew very little about.
i'm finding that in france, with the language barrier, the pull of that tendency is much stronger and harder to resist because it is easier to just give in to the hate than accept the differences. acceptance takes work, and thought, while requiring you to give up a little part of yourself in compromise. in london, it was only a few people who gave in to the generalizations. but, in france, the number has tripled. my roommate in london hated london, but loved the cities she visited. it is much easier to fall in love with a place when you see it through a tourist's eyes. it is very hard to love a place you live, where you don't understand the culture and are assaulted with it every day. but my roommate was the only one in my london group of friends who didnt like london. france is different.
as i type this, i am sat in a room with my two closest friends here and a guest. i am the only one of us who loves, or even likes, paris. my roommate despises it, loathes it entirely. she has a few days where she enjoys being in paris, but for the most part, she cant stand it. like my roommate before, she loves where she travels but not where she lives. lauren, our other closest friend, seems to have a love-hate relationship with it, which has recently been leaning towards hate. dallas, our guest, seems to have accepted the general opinion.
not all of it is culture shock, however. opinions are based on what happens to you, and i feel i have experienced a very different paris from them. the majority of my time is spent being in love, which tends to have a rose-colored glasses effect. even beyond that, removing romain from the equation, we have still had different experiences. for example, last night, we branched off from each other. katy, dallas, and lauren went home. lauren was accosted on the metro by a gang of literal boys, she has bruises in the shapes of hands on her body from the boys trying to harm her and from katy trying to save her. afterward, they spent the rest of the ride home screaming they hated paris and parisians. i had a different experience. aoife and i went to social club, danced to techno, and met two very respectful parisians who bought us drinks and walked us home but didnt even attempt to 'come home' with us.
this is not to say i have not been fighting those same tendencies i am complaining about in others. in fact, i am wondering if i am fighting them too much. it hurts me, and the open mind my parents instilled in me, to base my opinion on an entire city and culture on such limited experiences. i am not a typical american, and i would not want people to base their opinion of america on me. so i am fighting really hard not to do that with the french. i am trying to recognize that there is diversity and subcultures here just as in the states.
but am i excusing too much? am i harming myself by refusing to be anything but completely open? is there such a thing as too open-minded? i feel like i should be able to admit when i dont like something, but instead i simply call it a culture difference and write it off. is that the right way? i am starting to feel that since i am the only one going about things this way that i am the one in the wrong, not the others. but, here just as in london, it angers me to hear how much people hate this city. i end up irritated and annoyed, wanting to shake them and open their eyes to the beauty that is all around. but am i the one with my eyes closed? by refusing to see the ugly, am i being just as close-minded as those who refuse to see the beauty?
i have talked about this with lauren before, and we discovered that by allowing yourself to love a new place, you lose a little bit of yourself. in my attempt to be open, i have lost my self and created a new one, forged by my experiences both here and london. in the beginning, i found paris lacking to london. but i had to give up that part of myself that adored london in order to enjoy paris. i have never had any problem changing, losing, and gaining parts of myself, because one constant has always remained. i am a traveler, through and through. knitting is pretty much universal, and the small changes from country to country only make being a traveling knitter that much more interesting.
but have i been traveling wrong? shouldnt i accept the bad as well as the good, rather than ignoring it? i know these things, but i just cannot bring myself to act that way. every time someone makes a negative generalization, all i can think of is someone i met a long time ago, who was raped by a black male. unable to separate the feelings induced by that one black male and all the unrelated black males, she became racist and bitter. i refuse to be that woman, i refuse to base my opinion of the masses on the actions of one individual. i just cant see a way to let the bad in, without it consuming me.
intercultural dating has the same problems. every time romain and i fight seriously, which happens more than i care to admit, he insists that we dont have problems, our cultures do. each misunderstanding, each odd action the other doesnt understand, each difference between us is chalked up to him being french and me being american. but is that the right way? could the personal differences between us be simply that, just personal differences? but i do the same thing in america. my ex was from oregon and every weird thing he did was 'because he was from oregon'. before my trip here, i never realized how much geography shapes and affects us. its really beautiful to see how changed we are by the places we live and the people we surround ourselves with.
the days here are numbered, each one marks a day lost in the countdown, and i have reached the halfway mark. i am having to decide what to do with myself, where to go at the end of this. it is becoming clearer and clearer that a return to the states, a return to arizona, is almost impossible for me. i am trying not to think about that now, not to make any plans until absolutely necessary, but the end is approaching, and i cannot bring myself to face it. i am having difficulty facing many things lately, and instead am hiding in the bright light of the good. but the dark is always there, waiting on the periphery, be it the bad in people or the end of the chapter. i think it is time for me to come out and face it head on.
but its hard to stay mad, when theres so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like im seeing it all once, and its too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that about to burst. and then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and i cant feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
you have no idea what im talking about, im sure. but dont wory, you will someday. [american beauty.]
goal completed:
71, work in a foreign country.
69, teach in a foreign country.
*because i work with computer programmers [aka teenage computer hackers] i will not put the name of the company on my blog. i dont want my students, or my boss, to be able to find my blog that easily.
my job is to hold discussion courses with french-speaking students at a technical university in paris. french students at this school are required to double major and learn english. tests are held every year, and if the students dont pass the test, they are forced to retake the year. the students take real english courses throughout the week, which are taught by learned professors. my courses are practice, they are conversation courses to get them speaking, practicing, and enjoying learning english. there are three ways to do this, three types of courses i can give: reading, fun, or cultural. very few students take the reading courses, cause they have had those all week. some students will sign up for cultural, depending on what the activity is. most students sign up only for fun classes, which are usually held at bars or restaurants.
there are few rules at my work. the main two are don't be late and dont get intimate with your students. you cant add them on facebook, you cant exchange numbers, and you definitely cant hang out with them outside of your courses. only problem is your courses are like awkward first dates, with about ten people. we are pretty much the only girls they come into contact with, so they hit on you. constantly.
that is not to say the job isnt fun! my first class was a reading class, about five people signed up. we read "harrison bergeron" and "a perfect day for bananafish". i loved those stories, but im not sure they really appreciated them. we also played madlibs. my other reading courses havent filled. but my fun and culture courses have. we've been to museums, seen movies, sat in cafes, and hung out in bars. next week, we're going to have a course playing pool!
it really is a great job. the only downsides are the time required to think up the courses, and the constant fear of being fired. i have never really had a real job, even in america, so i wasnt sure if it was a good idea for me to work in paris. but i think i can handle this! it's just like nannying, only the boys are bigger and the boss is scarier.
the traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see. [g.k. chesterton]
three weeks left...
daily updates:
1 december. well, it is december. my building has been decorated with wreaths, flashing lights, and a giant fake tree. the streets are adorned with candy cane lights, giant twinkling stars, and sparkling nets for the trees. the winter is upon us: the sun sets at four o'clock, and you cannot step outside without two pairs of mittens and two sets of tights. outdoor ice skating rinks have sprung up over night. advent calendars have been put up, and the air just crackles with the need for hot chocolate or mulled wine.
the holiday season is so depressing, but i cannot help being charmed...
during the day, i went to class and did homework. max, linsday and i went to get froyo. then, we just hung out in max's room. for weeks i have been talking about reactivating my facebook, i even put it on my 101 in 1001 list. i had some qualms about getting it back, but that night, max made me. so, then we spent hours looking through all my old pictures and comments and messages. it reminds me how far i've come, and how much i do enjoy this new me i have created. in the span of three years, i have changed so much, i didnt even recognize myself when i stumbled upon the earliest pictures. [neither did max or kat.] the changes arent only physical, but also in my personality and morals. but here is how much i have changed, just to illustrate my point!
of course, there are some similarities. but i have grown up so much, and it was really nice to see it. i am no longer the flighty, superficial sorority girl with blonde hair and fake blue eyes. now i'm a lot calmer, a lot nicer and i just have fake black hair and real black eyes hahaha. however, im not so sure i want to keep my facebook. ill give it a few more weeks, but im a bit iffy.
2 december. i spent the day trying to shop for boots and going back to the h. that night, i did some last minute packing and went to get indian food with max. we didnt get back until late, and i just fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
3 december. even though i was reluctant, i went to french class. after class, i met up with megan and we hopped on the tube and headed to heathrow for... my trip to ireland!! the weekend had finally arrived! we were on the tube for forty minutes, then arrived at heathrow two hours early. security was a breeze. they let me on with my liquids, even though they were supposedly too big. we then wandered around trying to find food. we could only afford pret, so i got a meatball wrap. i have started eating meat over here. ive been craving it, i think because i am so malnourished. it wasnt until we got inside the terminal when we happened upon a weatherspoon! we surpressed our disappointment, and boarded the plane. i slept the whole way, which was less than an hour. then we landed!! we figured out the buses, and took them to our hostel. after checking in, we went to a pub that was right by the hostel. we stayed there for a bit, but they were dead, so we went to another one. that one had live music and trendy boys! my two favorite things!
4 december. we woke up late, but still in time for the free breakfast of jam and toast. i tried blackcurrant jelly for the first time, and i absolutely loved it. i'd had blackcurrant in my cider before, and in my vodka, but i had never seen it as a food. after breakfast, we booked our tickets for a hop-on, hop-off tour. i had never done one of those before, in my quest to never be branded a tourist. all my life, my dad has taught me to be a traveller or a visitor, never a tourist. but megan really wanted to, so i bit the bullet. i actually had a great time, we saw and learned so many things we would never have without the bus. we rode it all around dublin, and went to the guiness factory. i liked guiness more than i thought i would, but not enough to finish my whole sample. i went to 'gravity', their rooftop bar. but instead of my free pint, i got a free lemonade. no point in wasting a whole pint.
after we had toured all of dublin, we decided to go on a musical pub crawl. there were two main musicians, and we followed them around to multiple irish pubs around dublin. they talked about their music, told us the history of irish music, and played for us at each place. there were even some songs in gaelic. it was very interesting! after that ended, we went back to the pub by our hostel for some more irish music.
5 december. in the morning, we took a trip down to the coast. i absolutely love the beach, but as it was december, i didnt brave touching the water. there wasnt a single boat or person out on the water. it was still gorgeous, and we got to see the smaller side of ireland. we took a hike down the beach, had a picnic, and then turned back when it go too muddy.
after the coast, we met up with aleks, aka kulka. it was so nice to finally meet her, after over a year of talking on ravelry. she lives right outside dublin, so she came into town to show us around. we went to some great trendy places, which were off the beaten path and made me feel like a local. after spending the first couple hours trading kniting stories, bragging, and drilling each other for information, we decided to go party! first, we went to a very modern looking bar, where we had some very chilled conversation. then we went to an irsih pub. it was so crowded! there were also musicians sitting in a circle playing music to each other. it was interesting to see, but i had gotten enough of that the night before. so then aleks took us to local pub, with an outdoor courtyard full of boys. it was quite a sight to see, there must have been dozens. there was even a converted double decker bus, where you could go and drink in. we had a drink called 'tonic wine'. i cant remember its irish name, that is where the night starts getting fuzzy! eventually, we left that bar and went to one last pub. we met up with all of her friends, and i had an amazing time! i feel like i was able to see both sides of dublin, not just the tourist facade.
the ocean air, mized with the constant drizzle of ireland, does funny things to my hair. i look a mess in these pictures, but it was so much fun!
aleks, if youre reading this, thanks for a great night!
6 december. we didnt do much in the day since we had some trouble finding the bus to the airport. finally we found it, and they wouldnt let us on because megans suitcase was too big. supposedly the luggage racks were full. so we ended up having to take a taxi, which was expensive! but we barely made our flight, we had five minutes to spare. we had some trouble at security since, apparently, irish security is much more strict than english security. but it was all sorted, and we ended up on the plane okay. the plane ride home took two hours, instead of one. but i slept the whole time. when we got back, i unpacked and fell asleep straight away. i really do need to start eating better, i can tell i am malnourished here. unfortunately, my gp is acting up. as soon as i get to guidlford, i'll have to go on a liquid diet for a bit. fortunately, thats not too far away! :(
7 december. spent all day in bed, catching up on the sleep i missed all weekend. then in an effort to eat better, went to get burgers and froyo with max, kat and lindsey. my essays are due soon, im trying to get them all done this week, so i can enjoy my last week in london with no worries or stress. hopefully i wont procrastinate too much!
weekly highlights:
dates: 1-7 december [days 73-79]
sights seen: the republic of ireland!
something new: tonic wine! if thats not enough, i went on my first ever tour.
someone new: countless :) notably, alexs!
somewhere new: dublin and the coast of ireland!
new venue: countless!
what i miss: i desperately miss the dollar. the tube, while i was in ireland. my mother, father, and sister.
what i love: toast and blackcurrant jam. days spent at the coast. traveling with friends. coming home [to london]. my five euro fake uggs.
what im not so sure about: my upcoming move to paris...
in knitting news, i was featured on knitted bliss' modification mondays. i'm quite proud!!
"goodbye," he said to the flower.
but she made no answer.
"goodbye," he said again.
the flower coughed. but it was not because she had a cold.
"i have been silly," she said to him, at last. "i ask your forgiveness. try to be happy..."
he was surprised by this absence of reproaches. he stood there all bewildered, the glass globe held arrested in mid-air. he did not understand this quiet sweetness.
"of course i love you," the flower said to him. "it is my fault that you have not known it all the while. that is of no importance. but you — you have been just as foolish as i. try to be happy... let the glass globe be. i don't want it any more."
"but the wind — "
"my cold is not so bad as all that... the cool night air will do me good. i am a flower."
"but the animals — "
"well, i must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if i wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. it seems that they are very beautiful. and if not the butterflies — and the caterpillars — who will call upon me? you will be far away... as for the large animals — i am not at all afraid of any of them. i have my claws."
and, naïvely, she showed her four thorns. then she added:
"don't linger like this. you have decided to go away. now go!"
for she did not want him to see her crying. she was such a proud flower.
[le petit prince. antoine de saint exupery.]
the image above is the tattoo i want. in fact, it is number 19 on my 101 in 1001 list. i hope to get it while in france. in order to motivate me to save up the money for it [ie: not drink so much] i have decided to post about it. i'm sure you're familiar with the book 'le petit prince'. well i never read it as a child. the first time i read it was in high school french class, during my senior year. that year was, for numerous reasons, a life-defining year for me. among more personal, deeper meanings, le petit prince was the first book i ever read in french. i think it would be fitting to get this tattoo while studying in france, something someone who was once the world to me told i would never be strong enough to do. i plan on getting it towards the end of my stay in france, to symbolize the successful completion of a year abroad. because to be honest, im still not sure ill last!
now i have wanted this tattoo for months now, but it will be quite large and quite expensive. i told myself i would get it right when i begun my search, then before leaving the states, then while in london, and now i am saying i will get it while in france. i think if i say it out loud and publish it on the internet where i will see it almost daily, i will be more likely to follow through.
i'm changing the picture a bit. i want no color, only the outline. it will start on my left rib cage, the first bird will sit at the top of my rib cage, on my left side right under the side strap of my bra, the rest of the flock of birds flying away from my heart, following the curve of my breast, the strings right under my ribs. the body of little prince will fall on the side of my torso, the asteroid and the flower he is leaving behind will be placed in the hollow created by my hip bone. i am not getting any of the planets or stars.
i think that i will include a quote from the book. i need to get it drawn out, to figure out the placement perfectly. but it will most likely be either:
les yeux sont aveugles. il faut chercher avec le coeur. [the eyes are blind. you must search with the heart.]
or
on ne voit bien qu’avec le cœur. l’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. [it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.]
now i am a bit uncertain of this plan, but only because i'm worried about explaining this in french to a french tattoo artist. plus, paying for it in euros rather than dollars will make it a bit more expensive, although less so than pounds would. beyond that, i need a really good artist who is excellent with detail. im sure i'll be able to find one who understands me and is capable of the detail i request, and i am willing to pay for it. it just has so much meaning, i cant imagine not getting it.
goal 83: write up a pattern. [completed]
i wrote my first pattern, posted here! its not much, but it is a start. i also published it on ravelry here. someone has already started making it!
goal 88: have a project on ravelry rank in the top twenty projects. [completed]
at time of post, my smocked truffle cardigan is number fourteen out of twenty, on the list of top projects on ravelry. i made it to the first page! browse ravelry projects, and you'll see mine straight off! it's not an official, proper list, but is organised by how many favorites a project has. thus, its constantly changing and, more likely than not, my place shall soon be usurped. but i made it once! all that counts in my egotistical mind!
goal 89: have a project on ravelry reach 1000 favorites. [completed]
at time of post, my smocked truffle cardigan has 1196 favorites! i am so proud of that sweater. it truly is the best thing i have ever made. it is also the one i wear the most.
goal 22: finish one knitting project a month for a year.
[posted individually and linked here]
september: oxford cardigan
october: meret
november: vinnland
december:
january:
february:
march:
april:
may:
june:
july:
august:
a few people have asked me to write up a pattern for my bow headband. i had a spare moment today, so here it is! this simple bow is knit in a tight gauge, so it houses deep creases and holds its shape. the bow is attached to an icord, and can be worn as a headband, bracelet or necklace. or knit the bow by itself and attach it to shirts, hair clips, or whatever else you can think of!
materials:
yarn: a small amount of bristol yarn gallery buckingham in black. but any DK weight yarn will do.
needles: US2 / 2.75 mm double pointed needles
gauge: 24 sts / 40 rows = 4 inches in stockinette
tools:
a tapestry or yarn needle
an elastic hair band (for the i cord)
finished measurements:
bow: 4 inches wide, 5 inches long
i cord: 16 inches, plus elastic band.
notes:
i used dk weight yarn, but feel free to use worsted on US3 needles. just be sure to get a tight gauge! if you want to add a hair clip instead of an i-cord, follow the directions exactly. just attach the hair clip instead of an i-cord. i recommend a hair clip that has holes, which can be used to sew it securely on to the bow.
to make the bow:
cast on 24 sts.
row one: knit
row two: slip 1, purl all
row three: slip 1, knit all
repeat rows two and three, working in stockinette stitch and retaining the slipped-stitch selvage, until the piece measures 10 in, or double your desired length.
cast off.
seaming: with wrong side facing, fold the rectangle over at the middle. the right sides of the fabric should be touching each other. pin the edges down, and sew the top and bottom edges together. turn the bow right-side out, and sew the cast-on and cast-off edges together. your rectangle should now be completely seamed together.
how to make the loop:
cast on 7 stitches.
knit in stockinette, with the slipped stitch edge, for four inches (or until the strip will wrap around the middle of the bow to the desired tightness).
do NOT bind off.
how to make the i-cord:
using the long-tail cast on, cast on 4 stitches AROUND one end of the elastic hair band. when you wrap the yarn around the needle, wrap it around the elastic band as well. your elastic band will have to be stretchy enough to fit the skein of yarn through it, otherwise this wont work at all.
once you have cast-on around the elastic band, knit the i-cord. there is a good tutorial here if you don't know how.
knit until i-cord is about four inches shorter than it needs to be, when stretched.
cast off just as you cast on, around the other end of the elastic band. your i-cord should now stretch comfortably around your head, and fit snugly.
take a spare bit of yarn, and wrap it tightly around the center of the bow. make a few loops, tie a knot in the back, and be sure to leave two long tails. the bow should now be pulled together in the center, to measure about 1.5 inches.
wrap the loop around the middle of the bow, being sure to conceal the yarn wraps underneath. place the i-cord in the center of the back, and graft the edges of the loop together around the i-cord.
using the long tails left over from the beginning, tack the bow, the loop and the i-cord together. but do not put the bow right in the center of the i-cord, unless you want the bow to sit on the top of your head!
artfully arrange the creases of the bow, block lightly with a spray bottle, and you're done!
** this applies to my 101 in 1001 list. it is number eighty-three. the pattern is quite unnecessarily detailed, because i am using it to practice writing a real pattern, for a sweater i have designed. if you make it, please please please let me know if there are any problems. i need to learn how to write a coherent pattern. it's harder than i thought!
